Kittenquake of 9.0 Magnitude Hits Los Angeles

A wholly unnatural phenomenon has occurred, in which reportedly billions - possibly trillions - of kittens that lay dormant beneath the surface of the earth have all come to life at once with a chorus of meows that were just too cute for the city to handle. They’ve come out of potholes, cracks in sidewalks, sewer grates, and even graves at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. The entire state of California is under a state of emergency. 

What makes a Kittenquake different from a normal earthquake is that the rumbles and rolls felt are not caused by tectonic plates abruptly shifting. Rather, for hundreds of square miles from the epicenter, one can hear and feel the subtle sounds and comforting vibrations of non-stop purring. No buildings topple, no bridges get cracked, but one’s perception of reality breaks down.

An Amazon Prime delivery woman named Shelly, an eyewitness to the Kittenquake and Los Angeles resident, had this to say about the 9.0 purrer, 

“Ya know, I’ve never been a cat person, more of a dog person myself, but the moment that Kittenquake hit, damn, I just wanted to make some tea, read a book, and pet a cat. It’s like I got brainwashed by ‘em, and I’m okay with that.”

Many LA residents have described a similar experience, this sudden shift towards becoming cat people. Pet stores have been inundated with the mayhem of newby cat lovers rushing to buy kitty litter, food, and toys. Phill, frequent patron of Cats R Us in Echo park had this to say,

“It’s worse than Black Friday. Like a thousand times worse. People have been stampeding the aisles looking for frickin’ discount Fancy Feast. This is definitely going to be known as Cat Friday.”

History has proven this mayhem and worshipful reverence to kittens to be a common aftershock from a Kittenquake. Scientists believe that the last Kittenquake occurred in Egypt around 4,500 years ago, some years before the Sphinx was erected - now believed to commemorate the experience as well as honor the unmatched power and cuteness of kittens. What makes LA’s Kittenquake different from Cairo’s, however, is the scale of the accompanying Kittenami, a tsunami made entirely out of kittens.

Due to LA’s close proximity to the Pacific Ocean and the 9.0 Kittenquake’s epicenter occurring miles off the coast, the Kittenami that happened - approximately 30 minutes after the first purring was heard - completely devastated the city with so much cuteness that crowds of people were seen weeping in the street and hugging each other. Multiple Kittenami waves covered the entire city, making their way down Santa Monica Boulevard, Wilshire Boulevard, and Sunset Boulevard. The flurry of tiny tongues, happy paws, and little eyes twinkling in the sunshine was what can only be described as cat-aclysmically wonderful. The Hollywood Walk of Fame’s stars are now being replaced with famous kittens.

With LA overrun with an onslaught of too much happiness, many now are seeking answers and guidance. How can we prepare for any Kittenquakes that occur in the future? What does a Kittenquake Go Bag look like? How many cans of Fancy Feast should we store for emergencies? These are poignant questions, especially because the US Geological Survey found that Kittenquakes are only going to increase in the near future. In fact, the Big One, a Kittenquake spanning the globe, is likely to occur later this year.

A startup based in Los Angeles might have the answer. It’s called harbor, and it helps you prepare little-by-little (even as little as a kitten) for any uncertainty, even those that only make sense for April Fool’s Day.